This post is written by Barbara Adhiya, an independent writer and editor. Her book, Hope by Terry Fox, is available this Sept. 2024. She will begin her mediation practice, “Middle Ground Mediation,” in 2025.
As a newly licensed Paralegal and Notary Public, I am starting a practice in mediation. I decided to take The Essentials (Introductory) course with the Lightstone Academy for Conflict Resolution.
The Essentials course runs for six-weeks, meeting weekly and I, along with five others, were introduced to the ADR basics – procedure, case development, patterns of negotiation, the five styles for managing conflict, sources of conflict, positions and interests, and active listening techniques.
We were involved in many role-playing scenarios to put these elements into practice. Some scenarios had many moving parts, others were simple. We were encouraged to be reasonable, and sometimes difficult. Not knowing what information was given to the other side, it was a realistic exercise in communication and compromise, and understanding the human factors of ego, emotions, and personalities that come into play. On paper this may look easy but it was much more complex and at times, unresolvable.
Through this experience I realized that these skills were certainly helpful to the practice of law and to becoming a successful mediator. However, I also saw how this can apply to so many aspects of my everyday life. After all, life is full of conflict and it is unavoidable. Conflict doesn’t have to mean drawn out war-fights. We all experience conflict and must compromise and make agreements with many people. It could be a co-worker, a group of students trying to complete a group assignment, a parent and child, a husband and wife, a girlfriend and boyfriend, roommates, and best friends. Coming to an agreement is essential in many aspects of our lives.
As the course continued, my mind would play back previous arguments, heated discussions, or fights I had previously experienced in my life. Especially those that either blew up miserably or ended relationships. I found myself asking if I could have done better. Was there a compromise possible and I didn’t see it, was I not listening, or was I too focused on “winning” that I let an opportunity to resolve an issue and allow an even better relationship to develop, slip away?
Armed with the knowledge I have gained through learning these mediation techniques, I realize that when we know better, we can do better. Everything in life is a relationship, be it with your neighbour, family, friends, colleagues, the salesperson at your favourite store, or the waiter at your regular restaurant. Every interaction you have is further developing a relationship or building on a potential new one.
The most valuable skills we can have to make these relationships their best is to listen and to understand. To actively listen, we should pay attention to body language as it can indicate if someone is receptive or not. Be encouraging so they feel they can safely speak honestly to you. Clarify what you’ve heard, to make sure you know what they mean. Questioning can help define the problem and build a rapport and let them know you are engaged. Staying silent – this one I need to practice – to allow them to finish their thoughts. Reflecting what you have heard someone say shows you understand what they have said. Summarizing provides assurance that you are both on the same page in identifying the issue. Validating is sometimes hard in emotional conflicts as the ego can reduce it to a right and wrong scenario, when it’s really the difference between what each person experienced. This is valid and neither is right or wrong.
When we practiced caucusing with the parties, I learned to listen. More importantly, I learned to relay how I understood them and acknowledge that they were heard. Knowing the why behind a person’s position is key. It’s the root. The why is where the resolution can be found.
I thought it was necessary to understand their expectations to reach a middle ground where both parties feel they have “won” and neither has been taken advantage of. It is important to temper expectations. If one employee is very organized and neat, and the other works within chaos, the neat employee cannot expect the other to work and function as a neat and organized person. They simply are not and won’t be.
The messy person promising they will be neater, is a commitment that is likely to fail in time. We all must accept that everyone has limitations and abilities and find resolutions within those parameters. Agreements made within these realities have a higher chance at success in the long term.
Lastly, what I found helpful is to stay in the present. It’s hard when emotions and egos are at play. We’ve seen within marriage conflicts when every previous slight is brought up. It keeps people in that past and muddies the actual issue and that issue is in front of us, here and now, for us to resolve. Having the parties stay in the present, keeps their focus, and we can steer them to look towards the future and how it can be shaped to allow everyone to move beyond where they are currently. When the parties would inevitably begin listing all the faults/missteps of the other, I would bring them back to the now. We know the problem. It’s here in front of us. Focus on what you want, and how to compromise and the middle ground will shape the resolution.
By becoming a certified mediator, I hope to assist people in finding resolutions that are long term. Learning these skills has given me insight into the human psyche, our behaviours and motivations, and how we communicate. Everyone can have better relationships and grow as individuals by becoming better listeners, letting go of the past, and compromising to be able to move forward.
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This post is written by Barbara Adhiya, an independent writer and editor. Her book, Hope by Terry Fox, is available this Sept. 2024. She will begin her mediation practice, “Middle Ground Mediation,” in 2025.
Reviewed and Edited by the ADRIO Newsletter Blog Committee in collaboration with Staff:
Babara Benoliel (Chair)
Ben Drory
Robyn Jacobson
Kim Parish
Tommy Lam (Staff)
The opinions expressed in the articles featured in this blog are that of the respective writers and do not represent the views of The ADR Institute of Ontario.