This post is written by Robyn Jacobson, B.Com, LLB, LLM, PhD, C.Med, a Conflict Management Consultant, focusing on the education sector. Her background is Law, and University teaching and management.
“master bedroom, commit suicide, rule of thumb, long time no see, peanut gallery, man up, blacklisted…”
We have probably all used these terms, but we shouldn’t.
“circle the wagons, gypped, uppity, hold down the fort, hip hip hooray, sold down the river…”
We often use the language we grew up hearing, but we shouldn’t.
“no can do, Eenie Meenie Miney Mo, grandfather clause, fuzzy wuzzy, it’s so ghetto, so gay…” 1
We may have used some of these terms “forever,” but we shouldn’t.
Words have power: the power to humiliate, offend, hurt, and exclude. Of course, words can also be inclusive, healing, and beautiful2.
The words we use can unintentionally shut down conversations; not being inclusive in our language can end communications or relationships. We need to choose our words with care.
This article does not deal with overtly racist, misogynistic, homophobic, or vulgar words that are well-recognized as harmful, hurtful, and unacceptable. This article addresses the idioms, proverbs, metaphors, figures of speech, and terms we use to add interest, colour, and imagery to our speech that have problematic histories. Many of these terms have origins that are racist, misogynist, homophobic, ableist, anti-Semitic, or discriminatory to a particular identity group. While we know their meaning and what we intend when we use these terms, we may be oblivious to the impact these terms can have because we do not know the background or origin of them.
We learn in mediation training that it is not just our intention when we communicate that matters, it is also the impact that our words have. It is not an acceptable excuse to say, “It is not what I say, but what I mean.”
What should you do?
While we cannot be expected to know the origin of every term, word, or figure of speech in use, we can educate ourselves. Many anti-racism advocates have recently lamented that there is an expectation for racialized people to educate others about racism; rather, it is each person’s responsibility to educate themselves … and this includes educating ourselves about the origin of the specific terminology we use.
If you use some expressions or terms and do not know where they come from or how they originated—look up the meaning/origin. When you hear others using terms that you do not know the origin of—look up the meaning/origin. You can then assess whether you should eliminate these terms from your smorgasbord of language.
As language evolves and preferences change, perpetual care needs to be taken as the most acceptable terminology can also change—see for example, in the disability and 2SLGBTQI+ communities3.
Taking it a step further, you can also search online for language that is offensive to specific communities. For example, you can search for “Avoid Ableist Language” and find lists of unacceptable phrases like: “you are a retard,” “what a lame excuse,” “she went psycho.” Other unacceptable words include: insane, mad, freak, moron, imbecile, crazy, dumb, nuts, blind, spaz, psycho.4 Self-education is key.
What should you do if you unintentionally use language that offends another person?
You may realize your words are offensive when you observe the reaction of the other person, or you are called out on what you said. When this occurs, you should: 1) genuinely apologize, 2) listen non-defensively to any explanation provided, 3) commit to educating yourself further, and 4) put your learnings into practice.
What about your role as a mediator?
A mediator’s role is to create a safe place for constructive dialogue. As a mediator, you have a heightened responsibility to recognize the terms that may be offensive to the parties. As with any statement made by one of the parties that angers, upsets, or humiliates the other party, the mediator may invite the offended party to share the reason for their reaction—this should occur even if it is the body language that reveals a negative emotion. In some situations, the offended party may elect to share the reason for their reaction, but there is no onus on them (see above). As the mediator, you can share the meaning/origin of the term, indicating how this can cause harm to another person. If the mediator does not know why the term had the impact that it did, they can conduct a quick online search to provide the answer. Having the other party or the mediator provide this explanation can create that “aha” moment, resulting in a new understanding or learning, and may even result in an apology.
What if there is no reaction from the other party to a word/term that the mediator knows to be offensive to some people?
A person hearing an offensive term may simply not reveal the impact that these words have on them. Would ignoring it make the mediator complicit? Would ignoring it cause the parties to regard the mediator as biased/non-neutral? Is the situation different if the person is oblivious to the bias or discrimination, in other words, there was no harmful impact? Should the mediator be relieved, ignore it, and move on?
I believe this is a teaching opportunity; not a chastising, putting-down, blaming moment, but an opportunity to kindly and informatively share the meaning/origin of the term and indicate how it could cause harm to others. Ruth King (author, educator, meditation teacher) says that no one likes to be called out: “For those calling out, be willing to recognize the fragility of being human, which includes ignorance, innocence, and ill will, and invite the person into learning rather than just calling them into humiliation.”5
There are people who may say that this is all just being too “PC” or, more likely today, too “woke.” It does not seem too much to make a few changes to our language to prevent harm or suffering of others. Words can cause harm or injury much greater than would be caused by sticks and stones.
“Language is very powerful. Language does not describe reality. Language creates the reality that it describes.” – Bishop Desmond Tutu
This post is written by Robyn Jacobson, B.Com, LLB, LLM, PhD, C.Med, a Conflict Management Consultant, focusing on the education sector. Her background is Law, and University teaching and management.
Reviewed and Edited by the ADRIO Newsletter Blog Committee in collaboration with Staff:
Babara Benoliel (Chair)
Ben Drory
Robyn Jacobson
Kim Parish
Tommy Lam (Staff)
The opinions expressed in the articles featured in this newsletter are that of the respective writers and do not represent the views of The ADR Institute of Ontario.
- For an explanation of some of these terms, see:
https://grandviewkids.ca/wp-content/uploads/Grandview-Kids-IDEA-Committee_Inclusive-Language-Guide.pdf
https://www.upworthy.com/10-common-phrases-that-are-actually-racist-af-rp3
https://www.babbel.com/en/magazine/common-racist-words-phrases
https://www.thechronicle.com.au/news/from-long-time-no-see-to-bugger-these-overused-expressions-have-racist-origins/news-story/8ec88c31249f092e250a0353894411cf
https://www.camh.ca/-/media/files/words-matter-suicide-language-guide.pdf ↩︎ - The Power of Words https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzgzim5m7oU ↩︎
- Disability Language Style Guide, National Center on Disability and Journalism https://ncdj.org/style-guide/
A Guide Addressing Inclusive Language for Ableism, https://prod.wp.cdn.aws.wfu.edu/sites/221/2020/10/Ability-Tool.pdf
Human Rights Campaign, Glossary of Terms https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms ↩︎ - Disability Language Guide (written by Labib Rahman and Reviewed by the Stanford Disability Initiative Board) https://disability.stanford.edu/sites/g/files/sbiybj26391/files/media/file/disability-language-guide-stanford_1.pdf ↩︎
- King, R. (2018). Mindful of Race. Boulder, CO: Sounds True. p187. ↩︎